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| Dearest Blog, I have a confession which i've been holding in for a very long time.. and yet... i try not to talk about it...
lately, i've felt that i've lost a very long relationship with someone whom i think is or maybe now... was.. very very dear to me.. I've always tried to be there for that fella, but lately, somehow it seems the only way for us to talk about our problems, although we seem to have quite a few in common is for that fella to come and talk to me..
because it doesn't make me feel like i'm much of a help when i try to talk... It sucks even more trying to listen to that fella trying to want to hurt themself so much.. but i got used to it after a while... i used to be able to talk to this fella almost about EVERYTHING.. but now nothing can be talked about.. even a simple hello is difficult.. therefore, i just wanna write this simple note to tell this friend that i'm always here, it's up to you to look for me... olly | | |
| I wonder what's the point of me telling you about this blog if you're not gonna come read it, say only you wanna know. Well then since now you don't bother anymore... it's a good thing for you i guess...
GAH! i had enough! I AM RUNNING AWAY! GOOD BYE... | | |
| I think i should just move out from this house. You don't give me money to get food, you don't cook... you're always not at home... and you think I'm on drugs... i finished the whole can of biscuits and breads... what els do you want me to eat?
Probably if you really wanna talk to me you could think if texting me like how you used to... instead of leaving me offline messages or come poke me when you feel like it... i am just like everyone els in your contact list. Shouldn't have talk back to you... i feel horrible. | | |
| Stupid stomachache since... 8pm????
Family politics, all because of money... AGAIN... I don't get it, why does everything that happens and you have to relate it to money or your money source? Is it more important then family love? what the fuck? so much for getting credit for Moral... And you complain that i always look miserable at home, and i don't know how to smile... GOOD! you're number 1 in all this.
i wonder what is happening to my life. This year by far is the worst year i'd ever had in my 19 years of life, i felt like i've lost almost everything, pfft so much for the pie chart crap.
i have officially cleared all the beers in my fridge, and so i don't get to drunk almost every night. But i'll head to re-fill soon.
Sadly, you can't be able to view this blog... maybe you never will, and probably it is a good thing too, what's the point anyway? You can't expect me to tell you all the stuff i've written here to you just like that.
I think i am changing, i am having a feeling of giving up everything and... ????? nupe... - lost. Put away too much, and now i have to go back to step one to gain it back... ggeezz! Sick of being perfect towards everyone... don't really feel appreciated, and instead... being taken advantage. I was there when most of you had problems, and now when i need some one... i don't even see shadows. What is wrong with people now days? I've been hearing plenty of cases same as mine... worst then mine... argh!. I've been thinking and asking myself, have i been naive all the while in that year and a half?.
Hhmm, i felt that our conversation today is a little better... except that you have to off just like that, but... what's new right?
How can i stop my heart from beating so fast when i see new updates about you? I feel pathetic that i have to find out myself, like i am so damn obsessed... sigh omg laaaaaaa. Even such a small thing from a small source can make me like this... so tired. Sooner or later, the lack of sleep will be the end of me... what a "imba" way to die... i am like a walking skeleton, i can frigging see my ribs already!!!! AH!!!!! food still tasteless... sick of being sick again and again... i think vitamins are bullshit... doesn't even help! DAMN!
I want to get out of here, like now.
So sick of being emo, never felt so shit before in my 19 years of being a human... what the hell is going on? and what did i do to deserve this? lost interest, lost trust, lost my girl, lost my time, this lost that lost... and it seems like every time when i start to think positively, again and again, everything seems okay and then suddenly!... shit comes in again. This is making everyone looking at me in a negative way...
I'm trying to forget the pass, but it stills bothers me alot, WHY?! BUT I WANNA SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!! T.T
Oh well, not that i care... don't even have that spirit to do so even if i wanted to...
2 more hours to wait... if only i didn't sign up for facebook. I wonder what is so worth for me to be so crazed till just by staring at that name and not typing to it does satisfy my desire. =( I can't breath properly... so it is time to lie down.
Bye to myself. | | |
| Until now, i still don't know what is going inside your mind. But what ever it is, I've given up already. I am too tired to go on, although there is still you in me, but you will not understand how is it like to go through all this. Maybe things you think are always that simple... or you barely even think of us...
I have given you everything you wanted all this while... it has always been you you you you you and you, and i was not much in the picture... well we didn't even have a picture together, because you were shy... and you said it's because we were special... don't know why you think like that. You've always have your own excuses... when you do it to people, it is acceptable, but when people do it to you in return, you can't take a bit of it. Probably thats because I've always been making things easy for you.
If you really regret, or feel sorry or what ever it is... which i don't even think what ever sorry or regrets you say you feel... it means anything... but if you do, you would be doing otherwise. It is up to you now, and until maybe you feel this yourself, it might just make a little difference in you.
It would take you 10 times more harder then what you normally do when we were together to gain everything back in me towards you, thats if... you really want. I think i should stop being so naive and think more realistic. There is still trust and faith in me towards you.
I still can't believe you ask me to go prom with you for the sake of asking, and now you made me feel so disturbed. What are the special moments you spent with me that has got anything special to do with you? Other then the normal outings.
If you think i am blinded by your love, then so be it, because i know i am not... cause if i am, i would have left you the moment we started arguing in April. If what ever you think now is right... then it is your choice. I am not yours anymore, you are no longer my property since you decided to leave me.
Are you still caring for me because of guilt? if yes then i rather not, or maybe you just don't know... thats what you always say to me... i don't know i don't know... And i know you are confused, you don't understand.
Oh and by the way... i never did mind that you have no patience for me... just that i am disappointed in the way you think and the little things i ask for that you didn't want to give me. What do you expect me to say when you tell me your feelings were unstable that time?. "Promise me that you will never break up with me?". Can you do it?. Try to say that to me if i were the one saying that to you. When i say, you left me just like that when i needed you the most, and you said you talked to me about it, you didn't leave me just like that. Wow... so for what you want, you would just want it to happen just like that huh?.
I don't know how long will be like this... but what ever it is i won't show myself anymore... what ever smiles i give towards you, it is always bleeding inside me. Hopefully all that will change as time goes by.
I've been hiding a lot of things from you since you left me, and you probably wouldn't know what will it ever be. My health, my probs, everything els.
I don't trust anyone anymore, again...
I hope, in the future... MAYBE you will be different. If you say so, we might just get back together again in the future ("untouched")... and if i could live that long that is.
I am still hanging in the middle of no where, confused, lonely, depressed, scared, and weak. I sacrificed too much, yet i never ask for anything in return, except your love. But it is not entirely because of you.
I was once your top priority, but now after breaking up... i feel like i am just some one you think you should care of after all the things you've done to me... and that is not what i want. I want you, your care, your touch, your kisses, and everything... but at the same time i feel it is nothing and meaningless... SIGH. Like you said, you were once... OBSESSED with me.
I need to stop getting drunk. I'm not even sure whether i am officially giving up or not... urghhhhhh!
Well, at least i don't purposely because of my desire and obsession, stay up every morning to wait and see your name to come online in fb when you were in college anymore... maybe... and i won't go all the way to Sungai Buloh just to feel you anymore... or keep tracking your fb page for updates... new pictures make my heart pumps fast and make me hard to breath, then i won't be able to sleep... but i still can't really sleep every night till now... argh!!!
I lost too much weight and i look very much like a worn out machine... GAHHHHH i miss touching, feeling, and making out with youuuuuu =(
Haha... i feel better now... | | |
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